Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you. What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon
The jokes continue to write themselves
I need a dictionary on standby to understand either of you
Every rose has its thorn. Every group has its prick
Want to get back on your own 2 feet? Miss two car payments
Porch Pirates, Lost Treasures of The Amazon, A Netflix Documentary
The ***** of consequences rarely arrives lubed
Bug reports don't taste good in your mouth
The web is like a side street in hong kong. totally covered in bright ads/signs and very crowded. and then the sreet completely stops working because you blocked their scripts
We're letting tech companies open Pandora's box because they might find a few dollars inside
Drunk drivers are the second most oppressed group (after gamers)
It looks like a haybale decided to take a nap on his chin
The chromium codebase is about 5m sloc, and much of that code resembles ancient and powerful incantations that could make the dead walk amongst the living
C with no libs! someone tell ben shapiro!
I train till my bicep tear, I pass out before i tap out
It costs nothing to be nice, it also costs nothing to be an as$hole
The demons! the demons! they will come from the twitter space - unknown saint
He is the only survivor of the russian sleep experiment
Because democracy basically means government by the people, of the people, for the people. but the people are retarded
The elevator business has its ups and downs
90 percent of gambling addicts quit right before they're about to hit it big
Yeah he got a disability, dis ability to cook
On my way to cia headquarters to pick up my free watch (i found out i made it onto their watch list)
We don't need your origin story, we know you're a villain
imagine u hit the gym and ur trying to build urself up only for purple aki not to feel ur muscles you'd be gutted
During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit. "nervous?" asked the interviewer. i simply replied, "no i just always give 110 percent" - someone on twitter
Flex tape can even patch your marriage back together
Bunnies have lots of *** and we still think they're cute and pure. let's treat *** the same way - rabbits also mate for life you vapid communal **********
You looked for a gang but found a klan 
Fitness Protection Program
"I'm a big fan of civil disobedience" - I'm using this one in my next interview.
Enough about my mal past, let's talk about my mal future ;)
The riots were really like a biblical plague, where you'd have to paint a sign on your door that you belonged to a proteced class and pray the Angel of Death passes over you 
Hood elves hold their bows sideways
It's occurred to me that British Airways do not employ a single pilot who is blind or visually impaired.
There should really be a NatGeo spiin-off called National Demographic
You'd literally have to pay me to get a job
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia
Buy 95 percent rubbing alcohol, filter the rubbing out, toast!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it
Nelson : "You filthy French ! You fight for money while we brittons fight for honor !" Surcouf : "Well, we all fight for what we don't have."
Being burned alive, turn me over, I'm done on this side
It's easy to quit smoking, I've done it a thousand timees!
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
If there are just two of you, then how come your table is set for four? That's nothing - my alarm clock's set for 8!
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research
If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasd
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital
When exposing a crime is treated as committing a crime, you are being ruled by criminals
Football is just soap opera for men
Don't sleep too much. If you sleep three hours less each night for a year, you will have an extra month and a half to succeed in
You put ribs in the oven at 200 degrees for 4 hours and they fall-of-the-bone. Your body is on your skeleton at 98.6 deggrees for 70 years, and nothing
Datafag is 'computer science' in Norweigan
Ideological axe to grind on the topic of...
I don't want to talk to ceilings
Hoard gold, spoils, wares like a dragon...
A shotgun is the best weapon in medieval combat
Linuxfetch is the same thing as dutifully organising your plate of food for a picture
The wheel that squeaks the loudest gets the grease
Idle hands are the devils plaything
I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole
Ducks are not just food! They are faster level flyers than falcons! A frozen chicken will approach 200mph if you drop it from a plane.
Wow, if I had a nickel for every time I was doomed by a puppet, I'd have two nickels - which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.
What a tool! Tools are always handy...
In India, there are no roads - only directions
We say 'based' like how boomers say groovy
Dont't do math guys, drugs are bad
Hyperspecialization is bad. Get a BA on life instead
First they were doing cold plunges next they'll be doing 'house on fire first thing in the morning'
I have never heard someone say they're craving brocoli
The propaganda arm of ... is working overtime to keep us on the right track
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid
The young generation will one day rise to hold the steering  wheel
They sowed the wind and reaped the whirlwind
Closest you'll ever be to being a Roman is working at Little Ceasars
Hearing loss, it's a silent epidemic
My cat may be communist he keeps saying Mao Mao!
From scam calls to missed calls
If you don't use it you'll lose it
Son of a biscuit
Look at how inclusive and diverse the racist community is 
Hey! It's a retro-styled game! Oh, cool but you forgot to make retro-styled optimizations
Almost everything you can do in Minecraft is illegal in real life
Straight roads dont make skillful drivers
The rumors are true. Yes, I'm a fed. And by fed, I mean, Fed up with you.
If criticism destroys much, it creates much more
If you think good design is expensive, you should look at the cost of bad design
By virtue of doing good you are undercutting someone who is doing bad
Imagine Henry Ford stopped making cars because the Horse and Buggy industry sent him a bunch of sob stories
The wheels of justice turn exceedingly slowly
It's easier to fool the masses than to convince them they're being fooled
Outdated or timeless, priceless or worthless, dead or lifeless
I really kicked the hornets nest with this one
My bowl of cereal this morning told me otherwise
I'm such an open software advocate, I use no software at all. My sh.tposts use real sh.t
Omg! I love fall! Fall is when everything slowly dies...
Sell me this pen, it's AI powered
Listening to you is like buying hair growth tonic from a bald  man
You have anger issues, no you make me angry. and thats the issue
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night... Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
What is today, but yesterday's tomorrow?
How can feet smell if they don't have a nose?
Gonna claim I have ancient wisdom in my next job interview
gm. _General motors_ to you to!
We captured the injured alien from a crashed ship, and chained it up in my basement to study it. As it died, it kept whispering things in its strange language, like "agua, por favor, agua", and "oh dios duele"
Grades aren't the B all or end all
One economist says, "Hey look, there's a $100 bill on the sidewalk!". The other one replies, "That's not possible, if there were, someone would've picked it up already
Financial analysts spend 6 months predicting the economy and 6 years studying why they were wrong
Literally today in the office: colleague walks by, stares at my screen while I'm browsing the xlib manual, utters "that looks dangerous" and walks off. The end is nigh, brethren.  High contrasts, information density and lack of corporate art scares the soydev.
Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home?
This was enough stupidity to last me the year
He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence
I'll still use Emacs even if I have to use the entire AWS east coast to run iit
Does it come in a mens version?
Every day I don't update my site, I am communicating something to you
Grades are the B all or end all
You don't need alternative platforms to talk to your viewers if you create a compound on your property where we can all be cozy together
within kids theres an armsrace to have the best specs on a computer...
You can feed half of Bangladesh with 50p
Happy [INSERT HOLIDAY]! I am happy all days...
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now
To say we were skint, is like saying it is a little chilly at the North Pole
'They're not taller once you punch them in the stomach and bring the head down' - said very angry small man
If 2 vegans fight, is it still considered a beef?
There's drivers and there's screwdrivers. And you're a screwdriver
I could never be a cattle farmer. The steaks are too high
I drink 8 cans of lager then piss myself, shout incoherently at passers by in a aggressive manner then pass out. All in all a bloody good day out.
the smile never left your face but thelight left your eyes
People who live in glass houses shouldn't pee stones
Police Officer: Name? - Frida Goman
Loose lips sink ships
I'm here to donate some blood. Someone else's...
Microdosing on poisons isn't any better - it all accumulates in the end
The UK eats like the Germans are still flying overhead
A real stand up guy at sitdowns